So how does the resort stack up?

Barcelo Marina Palace is nice on the surface. The scenes pictured on the website are exactly what you see when you arrive. That's not misleading at all. The beach is big, the pools are nice and the views are great.

Upon arrival I got my first taste of what Cuba's "Fawlty Towers" is really like. The place is completely understaffed. Tour buses arrived throughout the day and each time I went through the lobby there was always a line of people waiting to be checked-in and only one person on the other side of the very long counter to help them. It almost appeared to be mass confusion when a line stopped forming and a crowd stretched across the entire length of the counter.

After finally getting my room the day of arrival, the bellhop carried up my suitcase and encouraged me to go downstairs to have a drink. Unfortunately it was a long day of travelling so I didn't want to indulge. I asked if he could bring me a couple drinks from the bar (despite there being a refrigerator in the room with two cans of beer). He asked what I'd like and said he would get them. I slipped him CDN$10 and never heard from him again. Ah, the hospitality.

Calling down to speak with staff is tough. I had a problem with making calls from my room's phone. I was put on hold three times before I was even able to say hello. I had to wait quite awhile just to speak with someone, again, a sign of understaffing.

On the other hand, I've stayed in lots of hotels and I have to admit that the staff at Marina Palace is the friendliest I've ever encountered. Sure, it might not be an honest group, but they are friendly nonetheless.

Even though much of the housekeeping staff doesn't speak English, the message it has is clear: we want to make your stay enjoyable. Constantly fulfilling requests for new towels or more in-room refreshments, the "maids" as they're called, seem more than happy to help. On the last day of the visit, I came to find a heart and wing-shaped figurine on my bed made of the hotel towels. There was a handwritten note thanking me for my stay and wishing all the best to me.

If you have some patience to deal with slow response times and language barriers, then it's a decent place to visit.

This is where things began to go downhill. The rooms were nice. Throughout my stay I was in touch with four other fellow travelers -- each of us had rooms in different buildings -- but we all had the same complaints: the bed was uncomfortable, the blanket was as thin as a picnic tablecloth. In fact, it's checkered like one too. And I regrettably report that it looked like things were wiped on them like at a picnic too. The underside of one blanket and the top of another had stains on them.

The walls were nice and thick, like the floors, so you couldn't hear your neighbours talking or carrying on. There were a few problems, however, with noise. It seemed many of the doors stuck and people were forced to slam them shut. The doors were heavy and in this resort it was not uncommon -- in fact, it happened literally every morning and night during our seven-day stay -- that it sounded like bombs going off because doors were slamming shut 24 hours a day.

The bathroom had a nicely shaped tub which was comfy to lay in. It was a relaxing time in the bath if you're a non-smoker and didn't mind holding your breath. When I first went through my room I was able to sense the faint smell of cigarette smoke. It is not uncommon, after all, to inhale the toxic cloud anywhere you go in Cuba. But in the bathroom is where I noticed the smell more than anywhere else in the room. It took some investigating but it appeared to come from the ceiling vent above the toilet. Anytime -- day or night -- if you took a deep breath you'd get some cigarette smells in room 1441.

On the other side of the room was the balcony, right outside the kids play area. It looked fun. It certainly wasn't a good time if you wanted to sleep in. Actually, anywhere facing the pool and swim-up bar because music tended to blast quite loudly first thing in the morning and excited vacationers went back and forth chattering louder than normal to compete with the volume of music. Rooms facing the other direction had to contend with loud gravel trucks going up and down the road early in the morning.

Here's the thing: the food was priced right. Yes, it's free. Otherwise, be prepared to eat hard-as-a-rock pancakes, soggy french toast and soupy yogurt (or "yoghurt") for breakfast. I believe it's socially acceptable to spit it into your napkin or on the floor as this was frequently soiled anyway. Yes, even the napkins, tablecloths and cutlery were dirty in the buffets on a regular basis.

A lot of the food is prepared specially for you. At dinner you could have a pizza made, or some chicken grilled. The thinly sliced, freshly prepared chicken was usually OK. I was concerned watching one of the cooks pick up some chicken and throw it on the grill and then put the tongs on top of other meat and vice versa. The roasted/fried chicken in the buffet spread was often very greasy and on every occasion - yes, literally every occasion over the course of seven days - was pink inside.

So if the water or second-hand smoke didn't kill you, at least you had a good shot with the chicken.

The "Business Centre" that boasted having Internet access, copying access and phones was worse than a rundown Canadian classroom. There were three computers -- information provided to me before arrival said there were four, and only two of which worked -- constantly had a lineup of people wanting to get online. It was five pesos for 30 minutes on the computer, and at the speed the technology went, you were lucky if you could send enough e-mails back home to tell loved ones you still weren't sure if you got food poisoning.

There were a lot of deckchairs for guests by the pools and on the beach, however, not enough for everybody. Even with a full line of people at the currency exchange and computer room, it was still tough to find an intact chair to relax on. If you spotted one that appeared to be vacant, it was important to make sure there was no towel on it because that meant the spot is taken. Can you believe one morning I went to watch the sun rise over the ocean (at about 7 a.m.) and there was already four spots on the beach where people were setting up shop for the day and leaving?

Every night there was live entertainment. It was a fascinating show. The band was great, the singing was great, although often too loud that it became screechy or just too distorted. It was the same performers each time. As entertaining as the cast was, you felt a sense of déjà vu every time you watched a show. It seemed like the same thing each night, just different costumes. As flashy and fancy as they were, sometimes it takes a bit more to hold the attention of people for 45 minutes. There was audience participation after the performance -- yes, it's the same dance routine each time -- and it was quite lively and involved, but fun regardless.

Would I stay again at Barcelo Marina Palace? Probably not. There were times when I thought it would be cleaner to stay on the streets of Havana and more hygienic to eat off the ground. It's worth the trip if you want to lay on the beach and do nothing else, but with its location so far away from local happenings and decent food, you might want to find a place that is sanitary and not in the boonies.